HOLY swinging conkers, Batman!

The Clare People came up with a novel idea to liven up their sports pages this week with a very special version of Spot the Ball. In a particularly animated photo taken at a club football match over the weekend, one player inadvertently became a cautionary poster for those who like to let it all hang out while on the pitch.

One would assume that the individual concerned will invest in a pair of tight-fitting undergarments to retain his aero-dynamism for the next game. On the other hand, this supposedly accidental flash of flesh could have been a bizarre fashion statement or even an attempt to put off the opposition.

In fact this unique ploy may be something the Limerick hurlers and footballers should consider over the coming weeks of the championship to drive their opponents to distraction. That'd really go down well with those who thought players having their socks rolled down for the pre-match parade was a bit on the disrespectful side.


Teeth

Believe it or not, I managed to go on a date with a real-life female at the weekend. And all without resorting to mindaltering drugs, the promise of a generous cash payment or holding her family members hostage at an undisclosed location until she agreed to join me for the evening.

Given my absence of conversational skills, I suggested that myself and my lady friend go to the cinema, where my inability to small talk would be less obvious.

However, no amount of awkward silences could have brought about the soul-crushing shame that I felt upon leaving the cinema after subjecting the poor girl to a viewing of 'Teeth', the equivalent of a bullet to the back of the head for any date.

Unfortunately for those not familar with the premise of this abomination, I am curtailed by media ethics and common decency from divulging too much. Suffice to say that the film concerns a young, unfortunate lady who is equipped with teeth in a location other than her mouth.

Sleepless in Seattle this wasn't.

Predictably, this unusual affliction causes unspeakable problems for a variety of none-the- wiser suitors throughout the film, prompting several muffled shreaks and teary eyes amongst the male viewers in attendance.

I still can't believe that given the option of another film, and with full knowledge of Teeth's plot, I chose this movie to break the ice between myself and the poor unsuspecting girl.

Hand on my heart, it would have been easier make a good impression if I'd brought her to an autopsy.

Cistern cinema

One film that I will be avoiding like a flying cowpat is A Time For Everything, a project which, according to its press release, is set in the "violenceridden streets of Limerick."

This rubbish starts shooting in the city next spring and concerns two brothers, "one a priest, the other a cop" - a cop mind, not a garda - "who struggle in the mean streets of Stab City to exorcise their demons and lay their pasts to rest."

It is beyond me why someone would bother to produce such straight-to-DVD nonsense, when there are already so many intriguing, true-life stories to base a plot around in Limerick. The "cop" in this unlikely pairing is described as a complex, angry individual with a failed marriage, two kids and an unearthly appetite for alcohol.

Sounds like John McClane has been redeployed to Henry Street. The priest – surprise surprise – is also complicated and angry, so angry in fact that his temper results in one of his boxing class pupils having his hands and career smashed.

Nothing sensationalist about that. Sure aren't all the quick-tempered, boxing priests forever smashing young fellas' hands in their classes. Both the hand-smashing priest and the alcholic, complex garda have a common object of affection in Nina, the Eastern-European mother of one who had to give up a promising career as a ballerina to become a lap dancer.

Ignore the fact that Limerick doesn't even have a lapdancing club. It's more of a general depiction of reality they're aiming for here, and if I had a penny for every time I heard of an Eastern-European ballerina packing in the leotard for the tassles and gstring, I would be a very rich man indeed.

The makers of A Time For Everything would do well to watch a series of HBO's The Wire to see how a quality drama about a city's social problems - in this case Baltimore in the US - can be made without sacrificing realism.

The press release even goes so far as to compare the ludicrous storyline to that of a Shakespearean tragedy, suggesting a level of delusion amongst the writers that could warrant the intervention of mental health professionals. Apparently the action kicks off with the vicious murder of the cop's partner.

His subsequent battle to find the killer leads to an inter-racial gang war, something which regularly occurs during a murder investigation in Limerick. "Just what is it that he is really fighting?" asks the films tag line.

Off the top of my head, I would suggest that this film's producers are waging a battle against reality if they think this kind of nonsensical, out of touch cistern cinema will pass for entertainment