PAT yourself on the back, Limerick, we've finally been considered worthy by that barmy lot known as the Church of Scientology. Satisfied that our fair city finally houses the required number of easily-led nitwits, the scientologists are planning a visit in the next year. For those not up-to-date on one of the world's most popular and ridiculous cults, this is a supposed "religion" which preaches, amongst other things, that Xenu, an alien ruler of the Galactic Confederacy brought billions of people to Earth in spacecraft 75 million years ago.
The Church of Scientology is also vehemently opposed to the practice of psychiatry, which its members blame for the rise of Hitler and Stalin and the September 11 attacks. Not that unsurprisingly, Scientology was thought up by the wild imagination of science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard, a man quoted in the past as saying the best way to get rich is to start your own religion. No surprise then that rich idiots tend to be high up on the list of the church's most desirable members. Just to keep everyone happy though, Scientology members are also paid a commission for every new hapless recruit they bring in. At the same time, one of Scientology's most famous rich idiots – sorry I mean members – Tom Cruise says that Scientology can cure drug addicts and rehabilitate criminals. No more junkies you say? No more crime? Tell you what Tom, give us a decent hurling team and I'll build you a church on O'Connell Street myself.

I'm with you, Willie

WILLIE O'Dea has gotten a hard time of late over his reluctance to shear his face of that famous moustache. The most famous lip-warmer in the country has been the source of so much coverage in recent weeks that this column suspects it could run in the next general election and give its owner a run for his money. O'Dea has hinted that he is reluctant to shave off the soup strainer unless a truly astronomical
offer to charity is made. And as a show of support for the Minister in his attempts to get the best price, I have decided to grow my own beard, which in time will be moulded into a tache, a la Willie. Although nobody has mistaken me for Billy Connolly just yet, I have already encountered some of the problems associated with growing facial foliage. On most days now, you can tell what I've had for lunch as most of the meal is strewn across my Velcrolike face.
To make matters worse, not even my mother will kiss me any more for fear of sustaining third degree carpet burns from my grizzly cheeks. Most bizarrely, once the hair around my chin reached a certain length, it decided to turn a rusty red, making me look like I'm a raggedy kilt away from being one of William Wallace's sidekicks in Braveheart. I just hope Willie – O'Dea not Wallace – appreciates the hardship I'm going through. Of course there is a advantage to this dilemma, the most
obvious being that once the moustachioed minister finally sets a date with a razor in the name of charity, I will be able to warm up the crowd as a support shave. And I've no doubt, as was the case with Willie, the multimillionaires will be queuing up around the corner, chequebooks in hand, all eager to be the one to paid to have my slightly less famous facial fixture removed.

One lucky gal

A MAN in India married a right ol' bitch this week. Please don't write in complaining about the filth that they're printing in the Limerick Leader these days: that is a statement of fact that will have me chuckling right into next week. You see this unfortunate chap named Selvakumar in the southern Indian state of Tamil Nadu, felt that he had encountered tremendously bad luck in recent years as a result of his killing two dogs back in 1993. To remedy the situation Selvakumar
turned to an astrologer who told him he could undo the curse only by marrying a dog and living with it.
The lucky bride in question was a bitch – that's right, a bitch – named Selvi, who the farmer's family picked up off the street. The lucky pooch
was even bathed and dressed in an orange sari and flower garland for the ceremony. For fear rumours of Selvakumar having any further marital duties were to emerge, a friend confirmed that the dog was only for "lifting the curse and after that, he plans to get a real bride".
Now that's one situation where I'd like to see a guy introducing his new girlfriend to his ex.